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People pleasers are often aware of the tendency in themselves but unable to resist the compulsion. Why? Because it’s a trauma response. Does this sound far-fetched? Let me explain.Judith Richards (Founder and Creator of The Richards Trauma Process ™ ) describes it as “fight, flight, freeze, appease”, often referred to as ‘fawning’. A people pleaser has learned to appease/fawn in order to be safe. At some point (usually before we’re 8 or so years old) we learn we’re safe if we please those authority figures around us and that we’re unsafe if we don’t. We learn that if everyone around us is happy, then we’re safe. It’s as simple as that. It’s an extremely difficult tendency to break consciously because it’s a survival mechanism.
Read moreFor those of you out there living and valuing a high-octane life, it’s time to rethink your attitude before you get yourself into trouble. So many of us learn that we need to be high energy, ‘up’, high fiving “go go go” all the time to be valid. Some of us believe it’s our job to light up a room or ‘bring the energy’, or that it’s important that others perceive us that way. Some of us value ourselves according to our ability to lift a mood. It might be a source of pride for you.
Read more‘Anger management’ works for some and not others. Why? It’s because the anger resulting from past trauma is different. The anger of PTSD is different. It’s fury. As Judith Richards, Founder & Creator of The Richards Trauma Process, says, trauma anger is rage. It’s uncontrollable and it shoots from 0-1000 in a nanosecond. It’s explosive and it’s a purely instinctive response that generally can’t be ‘managed’ consciously or ‘controlled’ by conscious effort.
Read moreHave you ever considered the courage it takes to change? I was having a conversation about this with my colleague - counsellor and TRTP practitioner/mentor, David Cluff. With his typical clarity and insight, he mentioned the two types of courage required for lasting change. They are, firstly, the courage to change and, secondly, the courage to sustain it despite resistance and pushback from our environment, including our relationships.
Read moreA very intelligent woman in a group of very intelligent women I was working with recently, made the point: “I’ve done the research, I understand the science behind the mind and how it works, and I have all the ‘tools’, but I can’t sustain it. It doesn’t stick!”
Read moreWhat would it really be like to live to our potential? What blocked the best ‘us’ to begin with? How can we liberate the potential that became stymied? Knowing we’re living less than we are, is a source of frustration for many. And yet, we’re so rarely able to identify and unlock the shackles which hold us back.
Read moreThe imposter voice in your head is just a boogeyman, much like the shadow cast by your clothes on the chair which you were convinced was a monster! It’s not real. It’s not true. The crushing sense of fear of being found out feels oh-so-real, though. Take heart - you can resolve, not just manage, Imposter Syndrome.
Read moreI didn’t fully understand that “following my heart” was a literal directive until I came across the HeartMath Institute, its research and techniques. Our heart, just like our gut, has neurons, and we’re able to create optimal states of coherence between our brain and heart which positively impact… well… everything.
Read more“Vulnerability”… It’s a buzz word at the moment, isn’t it? It means “exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.” But are we actually at risk of harm or just believe ourselves to be? That’s the crux of the matter. Emotional “vulnerability” can be confusing, because the moment we courageously allow ourselves to be vulnerable, we no longer are. It’s a paradox. Let me explain.
Read moreWaking up to a lack of purpose, sense of emptiness and life apparently devoid of meaning. Waking up to the understanding that the way you’ve been running (running!) your life all these years appears fruitless. What’s it all about? Whose life have I been living? Where to from here? Transitions from one phase of life to another in midlife may feel like a crisis, but we could see it as a “midlife reawakening”.
Read moreIt can seem like a miracle, can’t it, the seamless movement of flocks of birds in the sky, schools of fish flashing light and shadow, herds of migratory animals across the African plains? It’s exquisite and so difficult to fathom. And science is proving that it’s not only other animals with this ability. Humans have it too. Does your team work well together? Your family? Read more about the magic (and science) of group coherence.
Read moreMy husband’s a massive tennis fan. The other night we watched “Untold: Breaking Point” – a documentary describing Mardy Fish’s career and struggle with mental health. And it broke my heart. Why? Not because he had a break down, not because it cut short his career, not because of the pain he went through, but because he was told by his doctors that he will have to struggle with it for the rest of his life when it’s just not true. Please – let’s stop telling people they have to live with the dreadful burden of mental/emotional pain when they don’t. It’s a lie.
Read moreHands up who wants to vastly increase their likelihood of heart disease, cancer and a premature end to their life! Hands up who wants to vastly increase their likelihood of living a happy, healthy, fulfilling life! 60% to 80% of primary care doctor visits are related to stress, yet only 3% of patients receive stress management help. Why?! Well, you and I have this information now, so let’s use it!
Read moreLying in bed tossing and turning, frustration and exhaustion mounting, rehashing events from the past day or worrying about the future, wondering how you’re going to get through the next day on so little sleep… It’s no fun, is it? Why do some people suffer from insomnia, and how can we resolve it?
Read moreEver noticed how you’re ok and get just get on with things, and then suddenly you’re not ok? Some people will relate to this in terms of the lockdowns they’re living through. Often people manage fine for a while, then BANG! the most recent lockdown suddenly throws them for a six. Or consider the person who just keeps soldiering on and managing in a work environment they find stressful until BOOMF! – all of a sudden they’re not coping so well. We’ve all experienced or witnessed it, haven’t we? What causes this? Can we feel like our old selves again? Read more here.
Read moreI don’t know about the popular idea that we’re a reflection of the five people we spend the most time with. It seems a bit simplistic to me. Nonetheless, it’s worth taking a good hard look at why we’re drawn to the people we’re drawn to, and ask ourselves whether we’re ‘using’ those people to reinforce our beliefs about ourselves and the world. When that’s the case, we’re often inadvertently perpetuating the patterns and experiences of our life which we’d most like to change.
Read moreHow often do we disempower people we love despite our best intentions? How often, in ‘protecting’, are we perpetuating their victim myth? How often, in being ‘empathetic’, are we taking away someone else’s power? There are better ways of showing our love.
Read moreAltruism is happening all around us all the time. Good things are happening all the time, despite what the media chooses to report. Read more about the positive effects of doing good, remote styles of volunteering, the effects of simply watching altruistic acts, and one guru’s story.
Read moreThe freedom of an utterly natural environment. Freedom from everyday demands and responsibilities. Freedom from the myriad small decisions most of us make everyday. Freedom from the lights and noise of ‘civilisation’. Freedom from walls and roofs. When you leave the desert you don’t leave your precious rediscovered stillness and simplicity there. It comes with you. It’s inside you – actually always was. You just need to remember.
Read moreWomen out there who are constantly giving, giving, giving, do you feel like you’re giving from the overflow of your full cup, or from the dregs at the bottom? Are you giving from surplus, or from deficit? Do you think it helps your kids, partner, colleagues, friends to be around you when you’re angry, irritable, tired, distracted, worn out? Read more here.
Read moreI needed to do a ‘re-set’ recently. I’d started to feel a bit blah and ‘on the treadmill-ish’. I’m sure you can relate. The one thing that has made the biggest difference is choosing to be present. Yeah – I know, what does that really mean and how do you do it?! It sounds like such an unattainable state, and it’s also become a bit of a cliché. “Be present”. “Stay present.” Let’s delve just a little into this age-old wisdom and demystify it. Read more here. If you need help, get in touch.
Read moreThe proposition of the seemingly miraculous is uncomfortable to many, until either it becomes so common it’s humdrum or until it’s fully understood. It’s time to open our minds to the seemingly miraculous in terms of mental health solutions, and in terms of living lives where we can all thrive – not just get by. It’s time to get a little uncomfortable and ask the right questions.
Read moreIf you think you’re immune to “secondary gain” in your life, you’re wrong. None of us is immune to it! Here I’m referring not only to “secondary gain” in reference to illness, but also in staying unhappy, dissatisfied, frustrated, stuck, blameful… Read here to know more about what secondary gain can look like.
Read moreI recently spoke to a group of about 80 lawyers. The topic I was asked to speak on was “Building Resilience & Managing Wellbeing”. Hmmm… I’m sure the organisers (and probably participants) were expecting me to give ‘tips’ around exercise, sleep, nutrition, social connection… But I didn’t. If you’re reading this, you already know that stuff! There are much more foundational factors at play in our wellbeing or lack thereof. Read more here.
Read moreA very wise, insightful friend of mine posed these questions a few years ago and they stuck with me: Why are we expected to have a life’s purpose? Why do we expect to know what it is? Is there anything wrong with not having one? It’s a mountain of pressure to put on ourselves, isn’t it, having to know your life’s purpose? How about taking the pressure off?
Read moreWere you brought up to be a “good girl” or “good boy”? Through the kind of praise we receive as children we can develop beliefs and patterns of experience which don’t serve us as adults which may manifest as difficulty in being assertive, always putting others’ needs before our own, having trouble articulating our opinions... Just imagine Atlas carrying the world on his shoulders but instead of Atlas, it’s a woman who was brought up to be a “good girl”. That’s the kind of internal burden we’re talking about here. And when you put that much pressure on yourself, cracks begin to develop. Chronic stress… anxiety… constantly buzzing mind… I invite you to read more about what I call the “Good Girl Syndrome” in my blog.
Read moreA few months ago I noticed an acquaintance’s LinkedIn post. It went something like this: Keep hustling and fighting for your dreams. You’ll get there if you just keep pushing. This struck me. Really? Hustling? Fighting and pushing for your dreams? Is that really the best way? Read more to explore a powerful alternative.
Read moreMany of us are feeling isolated right now. We may be separated from our friends, colleagues or family, and are experiencing a sense of being cut off. It’s an interesting time to explore the wisdom of philosophers and mystics in light of cutting edge science, all of which affirm that separation is a delusion.
Read moreWe so often make things more difficult for ourselves than it needs to be. We create our own Difficult. We choose ‘hard’ and not ‘ease’. So how about switching that? These things don’t need to take weeks of habit changing, or hours of reflection. Nope. Please read more for strategies and ideas.
Read more‘Anxiety’ – it’s a word that was far from commonly used when I was a kid. Let’s face it – it’s a buzz word for ‘fear’. It’s just that it’s taken on a diagnostic implication. If you were to say “I’ve got fear”, you’d realise you’re saying: “I’m scared”. Then the natural next question would be: “why am I scared?” Read more to understand the ‘why’, and how anxiety can be resolved…
Read moreDo you consider yourself a ‘perfectionist’? Do you know other people who are? I’m a recovered perfectionist. I wore it almost as a badge of honor. It gave me pride. It’s how I described myself, and also how others described me. But what it really meant was that I wasn’t able to enjoy the journey; my achievements were never enough, because they were never ‘perfect’; I was living outside of FUN and in PRESSURE; and I wasn’t actually free to be my best. Here’s how to achieve your best performance by tossing the straight-jacket that is perfectionism. Take it from one who knows!
Read moreAre you a ‘high achiever’? Are you having fun? Here’s a pointy question: do you feel, deep down, like you’re enough, irrelevant of your achievements? Irrelevant of what you choose to do? Irrelevant of what others think of you? Would you feel like you’re enough without the kudos or accolades which come with your achievements – whether they’re financial, athletic, artistic, in business…? Read this to understand what drives high-achievers and its curse.
Read moreWe all self-sabotage. Whether we’re aware of it or not, we all do it. Ever wondered why you feel stuck, why you haven’t progressed your career further – even though you know you’re capable? Ever wondered why you don’t do what you need to do to be healthy, or why there never ever seems to be any spare cash? Ever wondered why you never seem to have time for self-care, or to do the things you really want to do that light you up? Ever wondered why that success you’ve dreamed of has always seemed to elude you? YES! It’s because we sabotage ourselves. We very rarely see that WE play a large role in our own disappointments; we undermine our own success without realizing it. Read more to understand how and why you unwittingly compromise your own success.
Read moreWe like to think we’re making well-informed, logical decisions, behaving in a rational way, running the show that is our life. We like to THINK that. But it’s the stuff that’s going on unnoticed, whilst we’re busy thinking, that’s got control here. The stuff’s that running our lives is running on autopilot., without our even noticing. Read this to understand the science of why your life looks the way it does, and what you can do about it in order to get back into the driver’s seat.
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