Judith Richards, Founder and Creator of The Richards Trauma Process™ and I were discussing this phenomenon the other day.

Women out there who are constantly giving, giving, giving; do you feel like you’re giving from the overflow of your full cup, or from the dregs at the bottom? Are you giving from surplus, or from deficit?  

(Men, this may resonate with you too, but when working with clients I find it’s more often women who find themselves in this exhausted, depleted rut and unable to get out of it.)


Are you asking yourself: “Is this me? Do I do this?”. Well, let’s briefly look at what giving from deficit can look and feel like.


You simply feel exhausted, often mentally, emotionally and physically.  


The sense of overwhelm’s a pretty constant companion. You wake up feeling burdened by the day and tasks ahead. You often feel like you’re chasing your tail and getting nowhere, and never have a quiet moment to yourself.


Even simple tasks start to feel like mountains to climb.


Small things get to you. You’re low on patience.

Busy Mind

Your mind is running on overdrive. It’s constantly buzzing – going over the ‘to do’ list, rehashing past annoyances, rehearsing or reliving encounters with other people. You’re never truly present with others or during activities.


You feel angry at people who ‘demand’ so much of you. There’s a certain amount of blame going on here, and you feel taken for granted.

Lost your spark

You miss the ‘old you’. You feel worn, tired, dull… perhaps defeated.

Can you relate to this? You may not experience all of these thoughts, feelings or sensations, but if you can relate to several of them, it’s likely you’re giving from deficit, not from overflow.


Chances are, you learned this behaviour when you were a child and the cycle kept repeating as the culprit neural network deepened and deepened. Many of you may never have truly experienced giving to yourself, filling your own cup, prioritizing your own joy and fulfilment!  

Why? Well, your subconscious mind’s in control here. The beliefs you hold – usually unconscious – dictate your experience. These beliefs keep the pattern locked in.

Sure – you can try scheduling in the weekly yoga class, walk, coffee with friends, but if we don’t get our subconscious in sync with what we consciously want, chances are these things will fall away as we revert to the neural pathway most traveled.

The most easeful way of affecting this change and putting yourself in the position to fill your own cup and give from the wonderful overflow, is to first change the unconscious beliefs that have kept the pattern locked in.  

These unconscious beliefs could be:

It’s my fault when other people are unhappy.

It’s my job to fix everything for everyone.

I don’t matter (as much as everyone else).

These are just possible examples. Keep in mind, they’re unconscious! What you consciously know to be true may well look very different.

Once you’ve rewired the unconscious beliefs that have caused this behaviour, you’re in the position to undo the self-sabotaging pattern and create a new one. Yippeee!


When you look at the descriptions above, do you really think you’re doing anyone around you any favours by staying stuck in this place?  

Do you think it helps your kids, partner, colleagues, friends to be around you when you’re angry, irritable, tired, distracted, worn out etc.?

Do you really believe you’ll be more effective at work in that depleted state, than in a state of calm and clarity?  

Do you really think you’re doing yourself any favours as your relationships, health and success suffer?

Let’s get real here.  

If you want to stick with that old belief that it’s somehow your job and duty to put everyone and everything else before yourself, can’t you best do that by being happy, light, free, present, calm?

Just sayin’.

Shifting to calm, present, happy and enthusiastic about life again is just a shift in gears. We use our innate capacity to change our patterns and unconscious beliefs on a neurological and neuro-chemical level. We’re wired to change! It’s actually quite simple when you know how.

If you want to know more about the ‘how’ you can book in a complimentary 20 minute discovery session here. It’s obligation free.

About Sally

As a former international opera singer, Sally Wilson knows a thing or two about being at the top of your field. And she’s discovered first-hand what it feels like to step away from the spotlight and lose your identity.

Through coaching, Sally helps her clients let go of their self-sabotaging beliefs and discover freedom, joy and fulfillment. As an accredited TRTP™ practitioner, Sally uses evidence-based practices to create changes that are quick, safe and lasting.

Tell me more

other good reads

No items found.